Glimpse 5 - Trying

I did it yesterday. I tried. I tried SO hard... and I failed. And, as fate would have it, I got to hear myself later from a digital recorder erroneously left on in my purse. I was overwhelmed with personal insights from what I heard hours later playing back at me.

A lot of people might tell you if you don't try, you'll never get anywhere. This isn't the kind of "try" I'm talking about. This isn't the figure it out, gain awareness, take a run at it version of try... this is the no plan, no focus, no awareness, thinking I'm helping everyone, just "throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if anything sticks" to make us all feel better kind of try... This is what I call, the blind try.

Within this conversation I heard me attempting to gain clarity, inject levity, make it "okay" for others and be strong. And what I heard was a woman with inappropriate humor, showing signs of confusion and pain for something completely out of her control with some relief and some fear. I heard me "trying" to find a better space for someone I love and completely missed the point that I was the one needing those things, not them.

How many times have you said this... "I try to make him/her happy, but nothing ever works?" "I tried to fix it, but it's still broken." "Every time I try to do something nice for ____, they never appreciate it." Don't assume you know what others need or want because it's probably some story you are making up and believing in. Shall I go on? Welcome to the blind try.

Here's what I learned a new layer on in personal relationships and life.

Stop blind trying, start asking.

First ask yourself, "what do I need?" then, take care of that. Communicate with yourself, translate it into potential 'best actions' and move on it as best you can. Inform and invite others, as warranted, to support this in any way you choose.

Secondly, ask the other person(s) involved, "how can I support you best?" and then LISTEN and figure out a way to either do that, or have a conversation around it.

Third.. when in any setting, especially in the 'high stakes' ones - truly listen to yourself - the outside and inside voice - for what it is you are seeking. If you have trouble with objectively hearing or seeing yourself with this piece, then do find and use a digital tape recorder, video recorder and play it back - outside of coaching, there is no better mirror to reflect who and what we are better than ourselves. This skill of listening to ourselves is grossly underrated and a muscle needing greater development in our culture.

For me, I'm going to be working on being fully present and getting my own needs met in a way that doesn't get in the way of supporting the beautiful people I have around me. What about you? Are you ready to listen to yourself, be responsible to yourself and show up? Are you ready to ask others how to support them best and go with it?

Stop trying. Start being.