Glimpse 18 - No rain, no rainbows, no sympathy.

When was the last time you really wanted sympathy? Many people call it a time when they have felt sorrow for themselves and wanted others to know how they felt and even agree with them. Was sympathy what you wanted, or was it .. a way up or out of where you felt stuck?

Are you stuck somewhere on the road of life and unknowingly feeling sorry for yourself? Can't get going? Don't wanna keep doing the same thing? Aren't clear on what "it" is? Or perhaps you know what "it" is yet have a 100 good reasons to put it off or tell someone why it hasn't worked, can't work, won't work? "Can you sympathize?" I can but won't, at least not in my professional life as your coach.

This seeking to be heard/seen/known and being entirely frustrated with the people and world at large not cooperating is what I hear most often when beginning to work with people as a coach. We've all heard it. I'd bet even money you've even joined in with the speaker and told them your tale of what held you back, how you are limited too in similar or different circumstances. It's called "sympathizing." So as a coach we don't spend time and energy to sympathize or offer sympathy when coaching. What's that about?

In our training and work, we come to comprehend and accept everyone as creative, resourceful and whole, able to get what they want out of life - perfect, just as they are. Gasp! Truly, in a coaching relationship with a masterful coach you are respected, revered and regarded as the expert in your own life. You become empowered by your own choices to stay right where you are or kick it up a notch. If you say your life sucks, we believe you. Sympathy not necessary! We remain believing, no matter what, your choice and YOU play the major role in creating what you focus on. Your energy, intention and daily focus are either on target for creating the life you are after, or it isn't.

Don't know what you want your life to look like? Don't have any given intention beyond "getting through today"? Don't pay attention to who's the boss of your attitude and energy and where your focus really is? Yeah. Kinda common for a lot of folks. If you are ready to pay attention and make your own best choices, coaching is for you.

Once you've learned and applied one of life coaching's "secrets" your own life and all the people within it gets a whole lot sweeter. Wanna know this secret? It is to believe and hold one another as able and accountable to have what it takes to be and do (create/change/move towards) the things we want, even when handed things we don't. It might take you reminding yourself a few more times on any given day, yet how would your life and the lives around you be better if you did this and left offering sympathy in a very select few places in life?

When my daughter was five we moved to Seattle from Phoenix. It was fall and she hated preparing and getting to school each drizzly rainy morning. It was then we began the game and created the related book, "No rain, no rainbows." Suffice it to say it was our version of figuring out how to make lemonade out of what she felt was a bitter choice after growing up in several sunbelt states. To whit, so much of finding or looking forward to the rainbow as a result of a rainy day, is part of the practice of a coach (or someone) holding and calling you to the focus of something beyond the drizzly moment to something radiant and better. We naturally shift in to empowered when more choices are available to us. This happens when we become aware and create a conscious attitude to go forward with. No sympathy required.

And..... don't mistake me here.... there is learning from being able to linger or even sit down at a place by the side of the road as we observe our life, reflect, ponder our patterns and level of self-responsibility. A coach needs not commiserate (definition of sympathize) with you - or even linger with you in places of "woe is me" - (you a victim in coaching? never!) the coaches job, yes JOB, is to expand awareness and empower your choices by calling you forward, in a myriad of ways, for you to support you in moving up the life road of your choosing.

Next time you are feeling drawn in to offer sympathy when someone is having a bad day or repeating the same old "my ____ sucks" check yourself before joining in the "holy crap I so know what you mean" parade. If you don't high tail it out of the conversation and choose to remain to engage rather than agree and commiserate...... you "could" use a coach approach to support awareness in springing the lid off Oscar the Grouch's trash can version of life they seem to have chosen. (including your own.)

Start by respecting yourself by knowing what you want for the person you are speaking with. Become transparent. "I hear you Laurie, and it sounds like this is really a difficult time." "I see you as an amazing/intelligent/creative/able (insert the truthful word here) person who may want to refocus herself on what she wants." "I'd really like to support you finding your best way out of it and on to what you'd really like to have from your experience." "May I ask you a question about what you'd be willing to do to make this a more fulfilling experience for you?" When they respond you can even go one step further and ask them to check in with you later on how that made their day better...

No matter what I type there, you'll get the gist - Ask permission to call it as you see it, acknowledge the person as resourceful to handle their own stuff, refocus their brain via a question about their focus and what THEY want, and request self-responsible actions to insure new choice/actions will be taken soon. You can even create a level of check in or accountability to support them further!

I can't spend time sympathizing with my clients when I know what I know about how truly brilliant they each are. It would seem that time's a-wasting. I'm seriously there to believe in them as they begin to learn to believe in themselves and insure they figure it out by focusing on what they want and going for it. Where on earth does sympathy belong in that one?

And so it goes... in parting, if you remember nothing else, it never hurts to remember the words of a five year old, "Hey Mom, no sympathy for ME, if there was no rain... their'd be no rainbows. I like rainbows."



C