What's your DISC? MBTI? Hartmann Index? I don't really care to label you in the big scheme of things. Overall, in the glimpse from my window the rationale behind labeling people seems more to identify and limit them. (I know many of you may disagree here and I'm fine with that.)
As a coach, it amazes me daily, the people I often work with struggle to cast off labels and personal limitations they've carried unwittingly, a lifetime. This piece of awareness is huge in identifying what has held them back and what will set them free to self-create the change they desire and require in their lives. In my experience, these personality type "labels" learned in a one day workshop or brief online quiz have become the simple excuses people use to either under achieve or clobber others over the head with. Yet, if you take them in, as perhaps intended, as a tool in understanding a small piece of how your temperament and character show up and utilize them to blend you in to the rest of all you are they can be a meaningful tool in how you move through your life.
We all carry a bit of each of the personality types within us. Every element and aspect from the entire spectrum is available to each of us. And if you want to disagree with me about an introvert being able to become extroverted, go right ahead. I'll introduce you to several people I know who have successfully transitioned into having both elements of their personality type seen as a choice rather than having only one as an inherent component in their lifestyle.
A lot of who we are, how we think and what we become is based on a million two trillion things. Genetics, gender, racial or ethnicity, birth order, socio-economic, religion, height, weight, cars we drive, neighborhoods we live in, life experiences, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, reading, writing arithmetic ability, ADHD, bi-polar, depressed, anxious, intelligent, dumb, stupid or smart, dog or cat, Pepsi or Coke, tea or coffee - blah blah blah - Labels I tell ya... and most importantly WHAT and HOW we tell ourselves and support those beliefs through our unconscious or conscious action shows up as us, exactly as we are, where we are.
It is one of my strongest personal beliefs many people we all see every day as complete or whole are really "the walking wounded" and, here's the kicker, they don't even know it. Neurologists tell us we cannot feel two things at one time. While many of you again may disagree, I do believe what we feel and how we feel it, as well as for how long we choose to feel it, is entirely up to us.
Feelings tell us things - good things as well as "danger, danger Will Robinson" things... to me, they are the 'smoke detectors' of our lives. Are you listening to yours or ignoring them by constantly smacking your smoke detector off or resetting it? Where there's smoke, there's fire..... Ignore your smoke detectors/feelings and what they are telling you about you, about the situation, about what you've got yourself believing and doing and you may end up with first, second or third degree burns to deal with and STILL have to make the change to get out of the smoke filled room you may be playing in. For all you "thinking" folks out there - you too have feelings to act as a guidance system, check in with them. Denial only works for so long.
(Before we run aground on mental health issues, I need to inform you, as a coach, I'm not skilled to support your healing in a mental health crisis, so don't mistake my thoughts here. At one point or another just about every one of us has self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy despite what we are projecting to the outside world. We can get stalled or stuck by a lack of clarity, face burn out, not know how or be afraid to ask for support or what we want and a million other things along the way. )
I guess my point in all of this is to say to each of you - I believe you are what you believe you are. You get a choice, you can take a few minutes to sit down by the side of the road to figure it all out - and then you can get up and become a self-imposed victim in or a creator of your own life. You are either one or the other. Which are you right now?
My friendly advice is that each of us take some time to sit down by the side of that road of life and relax, close your eyes, or take a walk - or do anything that brings you time to ponder and get closer in touch with your inner guidance system. Taking ten minutes to envision a life of you being responsible for creating what you want more of isn't such an awful daily habit to get in to. Try giving yourself daily assignments to put some "do" into your own choice - it may just, empower you to move forward toward something you created consciously. Some of you may have to clear your lungs of the smoke, some of you may be bandaging burns, some of you may already be on this path. I'm not saying it's going to be easy - focus on what you want more of - take action every day to support yourself within that - inform and invite others to your process and vision and watch what a difference it will make.
You can be anything you want to become. You are not limited by personality types or birth order or socio-economic classes or race or gender, or any other label unless you tell yourself and believe it. What new fabulous label could you give yourself today and BELIEVE fully to set you free instead of bind you up in supporting YOU in change?
What started me off on this train of thought today was quite simple. Ruth Ann Harnisch has a wonderful blog each day and a quote from today says, "It's interesting to me how much less stressed I am over the long list of "to do's" that just showed up because I am completely conscious of being 100% responsible for the situation, that I invited it, knowing it would be short-term challenging-but-worth-it because I have a long-term purpose in mind." http://ruthannharnisch.com/the-coach/my-mom-says/
What do you have in mind? Reach for a star today and go make shit happen.
C
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Glimpse 19 - If you need something, ask for it.
You know how people say, "If I need something, I'll ask you for it?" and you really don't believe them? From last week forward, I will now, always believe them. Because they can and will.
Last week, the phone rang and I answered... The very calm, deep voice who had, on any number of occasions in the past six years told me, "If I need something I'll ask you for it" baritoned in, just above a whisper and said, "I'm in trouble. I need your help." "What's the closest hospital to where I'm at?" Stunned, I responded with information and concise directions to the out of town friend here on business. I hung up the phone, summoned my wing woman Joan, and up the freeway we went to be supportive. A person with the highest pain tolerance of anyone I've ever known was about to enter a hospital ER for beyond major pain, swelling and redness in his ankle and calf and I had no clue what to do.
What I learned once more is something as simple as "being there" really, really matters. This life lesson seems to repeat itself over and over and over again in my life - each time the message finds me, it seems strangely new in "where" and "how" I know it as a universal truth. I am quite certain that while I believe I "have it" now I probably don't.
Here's what else I learned as my life views grew a bit deeper after this nine hour start-to-finish emergency room experience with my pal and my wing woman. In no specific order:
Last week, the phone rang and I answered... The very calm, deep voice who had, on any number of occasions in the past six years told me, "If I need something I'll ask you for it" baritoned in, just above a whisper and said, "I'm in trouble. I need your help." "What's the closest hospital to where I'm at?" Stunned, I responded with information and concise directions to the out of town friend here on business. I hung up the phone, summoned my wing woman Joan, and up the freeway we went to be supportive. A person with the highest pain tolerance of anyone I've ever known was about to enter a hospital ER for beyond major pain, swelling and redness in his ankle and calf and I had no clue what to do.
What I learned once more is something as simple as "being there" really, really matters. This life lesson seems to repeat itself over and over and over again in my life - each time the message finds me, it seems strangely new in "where" and "how" I know it as a universal truth. I am quite certain that while I believe I "have it" now I probably don't.
Here's what else I learned as my life views grew a bit deeper after this nine hour start-to-finish emergency room experience with my pal and my wing woman. In no specific order:
- Never underestimate the importance of saying or asking for what it takes to become comfortable and support your own healing.
- When life gets reduced to it's most painful moments we show up with our truest character.
- The simplicity of being allowed by someone to "just be there" is a TRUE overlooked gift.
- Whether the reason for your malaise is suspected, unknown or known the related anxiety about any of it sucks.
- The touch of another human being really does reduce blood pressure.
- No one else knows how you feel or could possibly go through what you go through no matter what they try to infer they know about your condition or situation.
- Love, faith and prayer work miracles as do getting the right pain meds.
- Ask how you can best support someone in the hospital. Only make suggestions after you've asked that first one.
- Be grateful for the people who love you and tell them often.
- Recognize hospital emergency rooms seem to work best if you don't suffer in silence, they respond best to he who comes in by ambulance or yells the loudest, passes out or bleeds the most gets attention first... unless someone in your party speaks up for you and threatens to go all Shirley McClaine on them.
- Hospitalized people have very well oiled and running 'bullshit meters'. It takes some serious chops to look a suffering someone in the eyes while witnessing more pain than you believed humanly possible and believe yourself when say it's going to get better soon. If you can't do this part, step out of the room, you aren't helping the person in the bed if you start slobbering or become an "it's all about you" drama princess/prince with your anxiety and worries. (Door 5 at FSH did you hear that?)
- Nurses are angels. ER doctors are quite possibly the coldest blooded animals on the planet to do some of the procedures they do in the name of medicine to 'heal' you.
- Hospitals operate under very bright, shiny lights for good reason... they also glare in a patients eyes and add to stress levels. Ask or turn em down if possible.
- Having your contact information for loved ones available in your cell phone is a good thing. Mark them with the relationship of the person on those that are family members when you can. Have you done the ICE on your cell fon yet? For that matter, always carry a card in your wallet with your medical history, allergies and insurance information.
- Having a computer available while visiting a hospital is awesome. Especially when the DOCTOR and NURSE tell you to check the internet for more information on your condition. (yep they really said that)
- Ask direct questions. Get direct answers and write them down - you'd be amazed what you'll forget after you get out of there.
- Drink lots of water, get good rest, watch your alcohol intake and never eat sushi twice in one week if gout runs in your family.
- When it's all in the rear view mirror, and everyone is out the other side, be sure to stop and look each other in the eye and tell one another you love them.
Everyone is well and returned to their own homes and lives once more. Yet this is a day I won't soon forget all of these little pieces about.
The most important piece for me in all of this is to follow my coaches ethics and let it move more deeply into my entire life that people truly are creative, resourceful and whole. If you believe in them and yourself, they will always do what they believe is best for them - including asking for help when they need it.
Don't let anxiety or shame, guilt or fear of something get in your way of asking yourself or someone else for what you need; your literal and figurative life, comfort and fulfillment might just depend on it.
And, thank you my friend for keeping your word and for asking for what you wanted, when you needed it.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Glimpse 18 - No rain, no rainbows, no sympathy.
When was the last time you really wanted sympathy? Many people call it a time when they have felt sorrow for themselves and wanted others to know how they felt and even agree with them. Was sympathy what you wanted, or was it .. a way up or out of where you felt stuck?
Are you stuck somewhere on the road of life and unknowingly feeling sorry for yourself? Can't get going? Don't wanna keep doing the same thing? Aren't clear on what "it" is? Or perhaps you know what "it" is yet have a 100 good reasons to put it off or tell someone why it hasn't worked, can't work, won't work? "Can you sympathize?" I can but won't, at least not in my professional life as your coach.
This seeking to be heard/seen/known and being entirely frustrated with the people and world at large not cooperating is what I hear most often when beginning to work with people as a coach. We've all heard it. I'd bet even money you've even joined in with the speaker and told them your tale of what held you back, how you are limited too in similar or different circumstances. It's called "sympathizing." So as a coach we don't spend time and energy to sympathize or offer sympathy when coaching. What's that about?
In our training and work, we come to comprehend and accept everyone as creative, resourceful and whole, able to get what they want out of life - perfect, just as they are. Gasp! Truly, in a coaching relationship with a masterful coach you are respected, revered and regarded as the expert in your own life. You become empowered by your own choices to stay right where you are or kick it up a notch. If you say your life sucks, we believe you. Sympathy not necessary! We remain believing, no matter what, your choice and YOU play the major role in creating what you focus on. Your energy, intention and daily focus are either on target for creating the life you are after, or it isn't.
Don't know what you want your life to look like? Don't have any given intention beyond "getting through today"? Don't pay attention to who's the boss of your attitude and energy and where your focus really is? Yeah. Kinda common for a lot of folks. If you are ready to pay attention and make your own best choices, coaching is for you.
Once you've learned and applied one of life coaching's "secrets" your own life and all the people within it gets a whole lot sweeter. Wanna know this secret? It is to believe and hold one another as able and accountable to have what it takes to be and do (create/change/move towards) the things we want, even when handed things we don't. It might take you reminding yourself a few more times on any given day, yet how would your life and the lives around you be better if you did this and left offering sympathy in a very select few places in life?
When my daughter was five we moved to Seattle from Phoenix. It was fall and she hated preparing and getting to school each drizzly rainy morning. It was then we began the game and created the related book, "No rain, no rainbows." Suffice it to say it was our version of figuring out how to make lemonade out of what she felt was a bitter choice after growing up in several sunbelt states. To whit, so much of finding or looking forward to the rainbow as a result of a rainy day, is part of the practice of a coach (or someone) holding and calling you to the focus of something beyond the drizzly moment to something radiant and better. We naturally shift in to empowered when more choices are available to us. This happens when we become aware and create a conscious attitude to go forward with. No sympathy required.
And..... don't mistake me here.... there is learning from being able to linger or even sit down at a place by the side of the road as we observe our life, reflect, ponder our patterns and level of self-responsibility. A coach needs not commiserate (definition of sympathize) with you - or even linger with you in places of "woe is me" - (you a victim in coaching? never!) the coaches job, yes JOB, is to expand awareness and empower your choices by calling you forward, in a myriad of ways, for you to support you in moving up the life road of your choosing.
Next time you are feeling drawn in to offer sympathy when someone is having a bad day or repeating the same old "my ____ sucks" check yourself before joining in the "holy crap I so know what you mean" parade. If you don't high tail it out of the conversation and choose to remain to engage rather than agree and commiserate...... you "could" use a coach approach to support awareness in springing the lid off Oscar the Grouch's trash can version of life they seem to have chosen. (including your own.)
Start by respecting yourself by knowing what you want for the person you are speaking with. Become transparent. "I hear you Laurie, and it sounds like this is really a difficult time." "I see you as an amazing/intelligent/creative/able (insert the truthful word here) person who may want to refocus herself on what she wants." "I'd really like to support you finding your best way out of it and on to what you'd really like to have from your experience." "May I ask you a question about what you'd be willing to do to make this a more fulfilling experience for you?" When they respond you can even go one step further and ask them to check in with you later on how that made their day better...
No matter what I type there, you'll get the gist - Ask permission to call it as you see it, acknowledge the person as resourceful to handle their own stuff, refocus their brain via a question about their focus and what THEY want, and request self-responsible actions to insure new choice/actions will be taken soon. You can even create a level of check in or accountability to support them further!
I can't spend time sympathizing with my clients when I know what I know about how truly brilliant they each are. It would seem that time's a-wasting. I'm seriously there to believe in them as they begin to learn to believe in themselves and insure they figure it out by focusing on what they want and going for it. Where on earth does sympathy belong in that one?
And so it goes... in parting, if you remember nothing else, it never hurts to remember the words of a five year old, "Hey Mom, no sympathy for ME, if there was no rain... their'd be no rainbows. I like rainbows."
C
Are you stuck somewhere on the road of life and unknowingly feeling sorry for yourself? Can't get going? Don't wanna keep doing the same thing? Aren't clear on what "it" is? Or perhaps you know what "it" is yet have a 100 good reasons to put it off or tell someone why it hasn't worked, can't work, won't work? "Can you sympathize?" I can but won't, at least not in my professional life as your coach.
This seeking to be heard/seen/known and being entirely frustrated with the people and world at large not cooperating is what I hear most often when beginning to work with people as a coach. We've all heard it. I'd bet even money you've even joined in with the speaker and told them your tale of what held you back, how you are limited too in similar or different circumstances. It's called "sympathizing." So as a coach we don't spend time and energy to sympathize or offer sympathy when coaching. What's that about?
In our training and work, we come to comprehend and accept everyone as creative, resourceful and whole, able to get what they want out of life - perfect, just as they are. Gasp! Truly, in a coaching relationship with a masterful coach you are respected, revered and regarded as the expert in your own life. You become empowered by your own choices to stay right where you are or kick it up a notch. If you say your life sucks, we believe you. Sympathy not necessary! We remain believing, no matter what, your choice and YOU play the major role in creating what you focus on. Your energy, intention and daily focus are either on target for creating the life you are after, or it isn't.
Don't know what you want your life to look like? Don't have any given intention beyond "getting through today"? Don't pay attention to who's the boss of your attitude and energy and where your focus really is? Yeah. Kinda common for a lot of folks. If you are ready to pay attention and make your own best choices, coaching is for you.
Once you've learned and applied one of life coaching's "secrets" your own life and all the people within it gets a whole lot sweeter. Wanna know this secret? It is to believe and hold one another as able and accountable to have what it takes to be and do (create/change/move towards) the things we want, even when handed things we don't. It might take you reminding yourself a few more times on any given day, yet how would your life and the lives around you be better if you did this and left offering sympathy in a very select few places in life?
When my daughter was five we moved to Seattle from Phoenix. It was fall and she hated preparing and getting to school each drizzly rainy morning. It was then we began the game and created the related book, "No rain, no rainbows." Suffice it to say it was our version of figuring out how to make lemonade out of what she felt was a bitter choice after growing up in several sunbelt states. To whit, so much of finding or looking forward to the rainbow as a result of a rainy day, is part of the practice of a coach (or someone) holding and calling you to the focus of something beyond the drizzly moment to something radiant and better. We naturally shift in to empowered when more choices are available to us. This happens when we become aware and create a conscious attitude to go forward with. No sympathy required.
And..... don't mistake me here.... there is learning from being able to linger or even sit down at a place by the side of the road as we observe our life, reflect, ponder our patterns and level of self-responsibility. A coach needs not commiserate (definition of sympathize) with you - or even linger with you in places of "woe is me" - (you a victim in coaching? never!) the coaches job, yes JOB, is to expand awareness and empower your choices by calling you forward, in a myriad of ways, for you to support you in moving up the life road of your choosing.
Next time you are feeling drawn in to offer sympathy when someone is having a bad day or repeating the same old "my ____ sucks" check yourself before joining in the "holy crap I so know what you mean" parade. If you don't high tail it out of the conversation and choose to remain to engage rather than agree and commiserate...... you "could" use a coach approach to support awareness in springing the lid off Oscar the Grouch's trash can version of life they seem to have chosen. (including your own.)
Start by respecting yourself by knowing what you want for the person you are speaking with. Become transparent. "I hear you Laurie, and it sounds like this is really a difficult time." "I see you as an amazing/intelligent/creative/able (insert the truthful word here) person who may want to refocus herself on what she wants." "I'd really like to support you finding your best way out of it and on to what you'd really like to have from your experience." "May I ask you a question about what you'd be willing to do to make this a more fulfilling experience for you?" When they respond you can even go one step further and ask them to check in with you later on how that made their day better...
No matter what I type there, you'll get the gist - Ask permission to call it as you see it, acknowledge the person as resourceful to handle their own stuff, refocus their brain via a question about their focus and what THEY want, and request self-responsible actions to insure new choice/actions will be taken soon. You can even create a level of check in or accountability to support them further!
I can't spend time sympathizing with my clients when I know what I know about how truly brilliant they each are. It would seem that time's a-wasting. I'm seriously there to believe in them as they begin to learn to believe in themselves and insure they figure it out by focusing on what they want and going for it. Where on earth does sympathy belong in that one?
And so it goes... in parting, if you remember nothing else, it never hurts to remember the words of a five year old, "Hey Mom, no sympathy for ME, if there was no rain... their'd be no rainbows. I like rainbows."
C
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