Glimpse 28

It's been quite some time since I last blogged.  My daughter told me she thought I should start again.. so, I'm back, for now.  That glimpse from my window is now shrouded with new townhomes and yet, the one from my soul, is still as transparent and chaotic as ever.

In dog years, I'm ancient.  In human years, I'm not yet 60, and yet today, I feel as old as time itself.  The seat of my soul has had many conscious preponderances upon it recently.   What kind of a life do I want in this last 30 or so years?  Partnership, marriage (again?  3rd times a charm?), singlehood, (it has it's charms and advantages)  What are three of the most important values I can live and impart to my new grandson?  Who am I as a mother of an adult woman with a child and what does that show up as?  What do I really want to do in my career to leave a legacy, or is what I've already done, "it" and it just doesn't feel like it.  Will I grow my hair out or will I cut it even shorter than I just did?  Who am I, today... and how will I show up in my truest form, now.  Tomorrow never comes in my world.

I've learned a lot about myself since I last stopped in - haven't we all?  Good, bad or indifferent.  While much has happened, the only real, sustainable change is my daughter's gift of a son to our world.  That's a game changer.  On a deep, deep level, this changes who you are - this "someone in the world is entitled to see me in a new role" gig.   I will bear a label beyond my gender, race, and other fact based knowns - I will bear the label grandmother, nana, gramma, whatever it is he chooses to call me.  And, I will love him from here to eternity, without exception, just as I do my daughter.

I am still fascinated that I am capable of loving, without exception, forever, willingly and knowingly and not hesitating for a moment, this love of my child and her child, of my mother and father and even my siblings - and even a few dear friends and yet... I find it a mystery to be capable of it (at least as of this writing) with one man in a partnership.  Perhaps I am not wired to see relationship with anyone outside of that circle as permanent - perhaps I see very little pay off to my efforts with someone not quite in my inner circle.  So far, not so good.  And, when I think about it, (hedonism here we come) I have always taken the high road, stayed loving and kind and when a boundary has been broached or crossed over, said my farewells, but still continued on, on my version of the high road.  And that is the right thing to do - it's also the only thing to do, because becoming ugly, mean, vindictive, manipulative, ill mannered...well I just have witnessed that would hurt me just as much as it's hurt the people I've witnessed trying it out.  No thanks.

So I am of love and I receive love and love is all around me.  Maybe that's what the rest of this journey remains to be about.  Recognizing, honoring and being love - in an even bigger way.  That would be a good value, an excellent legacy - with or without long hair.  My truest form might just be considered a sap by some folks - but I was born to believe in each individual, as perfect, as they are, in this moment and to either stand beside or call them forward, not to hold them back or punish them for things done or undone to me or others.

Yep - that's what I discovered just now - like deeply.  As Angie said, I'm going to let my freak flag fly... This is my flag, and I'm waving it - come hither only if you want to be loved, stood with or called forward.  The rest of the world can take a flying leap.